Dream a Little Dream of Me
by AnnieWood
Summary: Damon attempts to persuade a humanity-free Elena to turn her emotions back on but she has other plans.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Boundless gratitude to the talented JWAB for beta-ing and for being an amazing, patient mentor to a new FanFiction writer. If you haven't already, check out JWAB's stuff. She's the real deal. Also, you can find her Damon/Elena fic _Out of my Mind_ and her Matt/Rebekah fic _Gifts_ on Amazon Kindle Worlds, under the name Jenna Elliot.**

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**Prologue: The Four Seasons**

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.

Edgar Allen Poe, "The Raven"

She woke to the sound of a raven quorking outside her bedroom window and the smell of waffles and coffee. _It must be Sunday_. Elena loved Sundays; sleeping in, no rush to be anywhere, and her mom making breakfast.

She rolled out of bed and looked around the room for her bunny slippers. They weren't in any of their usual places.

A large raven perched on her window sill. It uttered a deep, resonant "prruk-prruk-prruk." Its feathers shone with a purple iridescence in the sunlight; Elena wanted to stroke them to see if they were as silky as they seemed. _I've seen you somewhere else before, haven't I?_ The bird studied her, cocking its head to one side, and made a low, musical croak as if in response to her unspoken question.

Elena turned to pick her way through the huckleberry patch growing in the middle of her bedroom. _Strange, that wasn't here before_. She looked for ripe huckleberries to snack on as she went and popped some of the larger ones into her mouth.

Savoring the sweetness of the berries, she grabbed her robe off its hook and saw her slippers sitting on the closet shelf. _Did I put those there last night_? Elena tried to recall what she had done before going to bed but couldn't. Her stomach fluttered slightly.

She reached for her bunny slippers but they hopped off the shelf to the floor, ears flopping, and came to rest at her bare feet. "Oh." Elena smiled as she slid her feet into them. "Thanks."

Pulling her hair up into a ponytail, Elena padded downstairs. The "Spring" concerto from Vivaldi's Four Seasons was playing; crimson poppies bloomed from the wooden bannister as she descended. _How beautiful._ She stopped to pick one then quickly pulled her hand back. Elena stared in fascination; the blossom had sharp white fangs.

Elena entered the bright light of the kitchen, breathing in smells that made her stomach rumble.

Her mother looked up from the waffle iron. "Mornin', sunshine."

"Morning." Elena's throat suddenly tightened and tears threatened. She found herself rushing over to her mom, as if it had been years since she'd last seen her. _Why am I so sad?_

"Hey, it's okay… it's all gonna be okay," Miranda murmured, gently rocking her. She held Elena and smoothed her hair like she was a little girl again until her sudden sobs subsided.

Eventually Elena pulled away, shaking her head in confusion, and dried her eyes on the sleeve of her robe.

Miranda tweaked her nose and kissed her forehead. "Coffee?" She tucked a lock of hair that had escaped Elena's ponytail behind her ear.

"Sure." Elena no longer felt sad but the fluttery feeling in her stomach was back. _Why was I crying like that?_ Her unease intensified until her mother handed her a cup of coffee. "Where's Dad?"

"Upstairs." Miranda laughed. "I kicked him out of the kitchen because he wouldn't stop backseat cooking."

Elena sat down on a stool at the kitchen island to watch her mother scramble eggs. "Is Jeremy still in bed?"

"I swear that kid would sleep all day if he could." Miranda opened the refrigerator door. "Maybe the smell of bacon will wake him up." The package of bacon flew out of the refrigerator on tiny wings and landed on the counter next to her.

In the living room, the first movement of "Summer" had begun. Elena glanced toward the staircase. The lush poppies were drooping slightly on their long stems as if wilting under intensifying heat.

Elena found herself musing about the way _he_ often listened to Vivaldi when cooking, just like her mom. The thought comforted her, thawing her like the warmth of the sun after a cool spring. _But who is "he?" _

Then a memory came to her of another kitchen.

_Garlic, basil and onions. A glass of red wine; lips of the same color. Lips she caught herself watching, again. The movement of his pale, perfect throat as he swallowed a mouthful of wine. His velvet voice describing the music's tension and release as it played. Her body echoing that tension and, though she shouldn't, longing for that release. With him._

Elena was wrenched back by her mom's voice. "You know honey, sometimes things just need to be felt."

Was her mom referring to the memory of _him_ or her crying spell?

Miranda placed a steaming waffle on a plate and offered it to Elena.

"Are those blueberries in there?" Elena asked, reaching for the butter.

"Huckleberries," Miranda sighed and shook her head, "no thanks to him." She gestured to the fat black bear sitting in the corner. He shrugged at Elena, then went back to munching on the bowl of huckleberries he'd placed on top of his generous belly.

"You would not believe how many berries that bear can eat," Miranda continued. "I had to pick all of the berries in the living room."

Elena held out her plate so her mom could dish eggs and bacon onto it. She began pouring syrup onto her waffle but was interrupted by a loud "toc-toc-toc," followed by a low croak.

The raven was perched on the side of the bear's bowl, fishing around for the best berry. The bear swatted at the bird with a lazy paw. The raven lifted off, squawking in protest, to land on the kitchen island near Elena.

There was something shiny in the raven's beak. The bird hopped closer to her and opened its mouth. The object fell to the counter with a soft plink: a ring with a Lapis Lazuli gemstone.

In the background, Vivaldi's "Summer" turned to "Autumn." Anxiety twirled around the edges of Elena's consciousness like dry leaves fluttering and blowing in the wind.

_I know that ring_. Her mind searched for the memory but it slipped away; a little fish swimming into the darkness.

"Mom-" she began, her voice high and unsteady. Her stomach churned; she struggled to keep her breath even.

Miranda's eyes meet hers, full of sadness and loving compassion which only made her anxiety worse.

Suddenly the landscape changed. Elena was drowning in dark water; the next second, she was enveloped by flames. Her lungs burned – they'd filled with water. She gagged at the smell of charred flesh.

Her mother's voice reached her through the wet roar of flames. "Elena, I need you to listen carefully and I need you to be brave."

She found herself standing on Wickery Bridge facing her mom. In the background, Vivaldi's "Autumn" had turned to "Winter." The raven called intrusively from the side railing, loud and shrill. It was so cold, Elena could see her breath.

"Elena, listen to me." Her mother's tone was commanding but her hands were gentle on Elena's shoulders. "Remember what I told you about feeling things? "

"Sometimes things just need to be felt," Elena whispered with her eyes closed.

"Elena, look at me," she insisted but Elena shook her head. "Look at me." Elena felt the brush of raven wings and her mother's voice became _his_ voice, low and desperate. "Elena, open your eyes."

She opened them to gaze into eyes the color of indigo and found herself sinking into blue. His voice was demanding but tender. "I need you to do something for me." Damon's hands cradled her face, thumbs soothing her cheekbones. Her eyes dropped to stare at his lips, an act so familiar yet forbidden.

Elena shut her eyes again but her body instinctively responded to his, to his touch and smell. There was a pull low in her belly; her breath quickened. She pressed herself closer to him, her heart pounding. _I won't refuse his request, I know it._

Damon's hands slipped from her face. His body was gone and she instantly felt the loss. His smooth voice was now urgent: "Elena, I want you to wake up." She blindly reached for him, unable to tolerate the separation.

"Wake up," he repeated, almost pleading. "And when you do, hold onto your humanity."

The realization smashed into her, full force: she was dreaming. Reality descended. _My mother and father drowned at Wickery Bridge. I drowned there too. I lost Jenna, my parents, Alaric. My brother is dead; I burned our home to ashes with his corpse inside it. _

Elena doubled over against the magnitude of the loss, gasping for breath. The roar of death and horror surrounded her from all sides. The pain soon became unmanageable. Her emotions crowded her; it seemed impossible to survive the pressure.

Then the truth rushed back, releasing her: _I don't have to feel these things. These emotions are no longer part of me. I've disowned them. I am safe. _

"No," she whispered, pushing through the lush silk of raven wings the color of midnight into the light of morning.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: A big thank you to those who have checked out my story. Very exciting for a new Fan Fiction writer! Any many thanks to JWAB for her tremendous beta magic and willingness to encourage a rookie writer. JWAB, you inspire me to write and to write better.**

**Chapter 1: Indigo Eyes**

With grey desire  
He looks out mad  
His soft grey  
Indigo eyes  
Indigo eyes

Asking

Peter Murphy, "Indigo Eyes"

Elena lay listening as they discussed her in the boarding house parlor. She stayed as still as possible, not wanting to alert them that she was awake, and could hear every word from her basement cell.

"So, what's the plan now, Damon? Nothing we've tried so far has worked. She's still..."

"Still what, a cold heartless bitch?"

Elena heard the clink of crystal. In her mind's eye, she could see Damon pouring himself a glass of bourbon from the liquor cart.

"That dream episode earlier was a bust but it confirmed I'm onto something." Damon paused.

"And what's that?" Stefan asked. "You were in her head for hours; I hope you have something to show for it."

"Elena has been feeling emotions in her dreams," he responded. "Her humanity switch isn't off there."

She listened to the floor boards creak under footsteps. She imagined Damon's familiar cocky stride as he made his way to his favorite perch by the fireplace. Elena heard the roar of flames as one of the brothers threw a log on the fire.

"Unless she's lucid dreaming, that is," Damon continued. "When Elena is _aware_ she's dreaming, she's still the soulless sociopath we all love and adore."

"So...?" There were footsteps and the creak of the chair nearest to the fire; Elena could imagine Stefan sitting down in his usual chair, a skeptical look on his face.

"_So_, if I can somehow persuade her to wake up while the switch is on, there's a chance it will stay on," Damon explained. "I just need to get past her goddamn defenses."

"What do you mean?" Stefan let out a humorless chuckle. "I thought manipulating dreams was one of your many badass vampire talents."

Damon ignored Stefan's sarcasm. "It _is_,_" _he groaned, "but she's strong in her dreams, especially for a newbie vamp." Elena heard him huff in frustration. "Team Turn Humanity Back On will have to press pause while I figure it out."

One of them threw another log on the fire. Elena took the opportunity to quietly roll onto her other side under the cover of the noise. The pillow case felt cool against her cheek and smelled slightly of the lavender-scented dryer sheets Damon preferred.

Stefan sighed. "And if the dream control thing doesn't work?"

"Not to worry, little bro. I have a few more servings of humanity helper to dish out before I'm ready to give up." Under Damon's confidence Elena thought she detected a hint of strain.

She pondered how weary of the whole situation they must be. _I wonder why they won't just give up on me._ Their persistence would be extremely irritating if she cared.

The brothers' conversation faded into the background as she let her mind wander. She soon found herself on the edge of sleep, half aware of memories swirling around in the landscape of her mind.

Since flipping her humanity switch, Elena could usually hold memories at bay the way she did her emotions. But there some that managed to sneak in uninvited.

Like the first night she'd shared with Damon.

_The exquisite relief of finally surrendering to her darkest desire. Soft lips crushing hers with gratifying pressure. The silk of raven hair in her hands. The taste of bourbon and spice on his lips. Running her hands over soft skin covering hard muscle. The smooth length of his naked body covering hers. His intoxicating smell. The seduction of his velvety voice saying deliciously dirty things, shocking and tantalizing her. His body intuitively knowing how to satisfy her own body's cravings. Whimpers and moans she didn't recognize as her own. His hands effortlessly positioning her. Her body shaking and sweating, overwhelmed by the rush of vampire sensation. His decadent mouth on every inch of her skin, lingering on the wet, swollen folds between her legs as if he couldn't get enough. The ecstasy of penetration and union, of countless releases; explosions almost painful in the intensity of their pleasure. Indigo eyes full of desire and vulnerability, full of…_

Elena came out of her reverie, her body humming with pent up sexual tension. _Damn newbie vampire sex drive. _One of the more inconvenient aspects of her imprisonment was the forced celibacy.Masturbation helped but it didn't give her baby vamp body what it really needed.

She realized Damon and Stefan had stopped talking upstairs. The only sound was the occasional crackle from the fireplace.

Damon finally broke the silence, speaking so softly she almost missed it. "Elena's herself when she dreams, you know." He said this as if confessing some sin he was not yet ready to ask forgiveness for.

"What're you talking about?" Stefan asked in a preoccupied murmur.

"When I'm in her dreams—unless it's a lucid dream—she's…herself." Damon cleared his throat.

"You mean the way she was before she became a vamp-"

"No, Stefan," Damon cut him off. "I mean she's her _normal self_." He set his glass down hard. "You still don't get it, do you?" She heard the floor creak as he began pacing. "Who Elena_ truly is _has nothing to do with whether she is a vampire or a human."

Stefan didn't respond but Elena knew his brow must be furrowing. She'd heard them have this argument about her countless times. The silence between the brothers stretched out while the fire continued to crackle with an occasional loud snap.

Finally, Stefan stood with a sigh and there were footsteps out of the room. After he left, Elena listened to another log being tossed on the fire.

The next sound Elena heard was Damon's phone dialing a number. She could barely make out the voice that greeted him but it was definitely female.

"Hey beautiful, I need your help." His voice was low with a hint of gravel. He laughed in response to her reply, turning on the charm.

Before the switch, Elena would have been jealous. Now she was blissfully indifferent.

"Yeaaah, about that." Damon's car keys jingled. "I'm gonna need to step things up a notch."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Oodles of thanks to those who have followed/favorited and reviewed the story – just knowing people are reading is exciting for a new FF writer and makes me want to keep going.****JWAB, endless gratitude for your talents as a beta and mentor. You have an amazing ability to fully support my writing while pushing me to be better. I simply can't thank you enough. Delena lovers, JWAB's FF stories are a MUST read! ****And her Damon/Elena fic **_**Out of my Mind**_**on Amazon Kindle Worlds (under the name Jenna Elliot) is sooooooo worth it – go check it out! **

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**Chapter 2: My Darkness is Shining **

Someone I loved gave me a box full of darkness

It took me years to understand that this too was a gift

Mary Oliver, "The Uses of Sorrow"

Elena played yet another game of Mahjong on her computer to distract herself from drinking her last blood bag.

Damon had been gone for ten days, the longest he'd been away from the boarding house since her lockup. His extended absence meant her mini-fridge was almost out of blood and she was in desperate need of clean laundry.

Stefan was an adequate guard but fell short when it came to the details of keeping someone captive. Damon, on the other hand, intuitively saw to Elena's daily needs. Even things she didn't truly _need_, like her favorite body scrub and lotion, were always replaced before she ran out.

Initially, the brothers locked Elena in a bare cell. But when it became apparent her journey back to humanity might take while, they did their best to ensure Elena had all the comforts of home. They remodeled the largest of the cells in the boarding house to create a basement apartment and Damon furnished and decorated it for her. After the time he spent locked up during his Augustine years, he spared no expense.

Damon created a space for Elena he thought would be comfortingly familiar. A horse print adorned the wall above an oversized four poster bed. In the bathroom, he put a free standing tub along with a smaller version of his own elegant rock-tiled shower. Damon originally wanted the contractors to recreate Elena's bedroom window seat but settled on a replica of her built-in bookshelf. No windows in the basement.

Bored with Mahjong, Elena turned to researching successful prison escapes, her latest online obsession. It seemed there were three commonly used methods. One involved exploiting the weaknesses of the cell itself. Unfortunately, the structure of Elena's cell was extremely secure: concrete walls and floor with a cell door created to contain hungry, supernaturally strong vampires.

Elena learned she could dismantle her mini-fridge and use the parts as digging tools but this method would take time and patience. Because they could hear her every move, she'd have to dig only when no one was home. And, even with vampire strength, getting through the initial barrier of concrete before breaking all of the digging tools would be difficult. After that, tunneling her way out through the dirt would be easy but Elena wasn't sure of the best direction to tunnel out. Plus, she'd have to flush the dirt she'd dug out down the toilet or wash it down the drain, and somehow keep the tunnel hidden so the brothers didn't notice. And Damon noticed _everything. _

The second method, help from the outside, didn't seem a likely possibility. Damon and Stefan had taken her phone away and they didn't allow unsupervised visitors, not that her friends wanted to spend much time with her these days. And, although she had internet access, she was blocked from Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and e-mail.

Elena's best bet was the third most common method: exploit any potential weakness of her guards. Damon already slipped up once. He dropped his guard for a split second one afternoon and didn't catch up to Elena until after she'd made a meal of the mailman. It was the only blood she'd had fresh from the vein since her lockup. _Thank you, United States Postal Service._

Elena was reading about Alfred "Houdini" Hinds, a British criminal who broke out of three high security prisons, when she heard the front door of the boarding house open and close. Elena immediately knew who it was by the reluctant pace of his footsteps. She swiveled around in her computer chair to see green eyes below a brooding brow appear at her cell window.

"I brought you more blood bags and your clean laundry." Stefan jingled the cell door keys. "Are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way?"

The easy way involved Elena putting on the shackles Bonnie had spelled against vampire strength. The hard way meant a vervain dart.

"If I promise to play nice, do we really need the shackles?" Elena gave Stefan her most winning smile. "They make me feel like Hannibal Lecter."

"I haven't forgotten what happened with Damon."

Elena tried a change in tactics. "I promise not to tell," she purred. "That is, unless you _like_ me tied up." She stood and straightened her clingy top, making sure her cleavage peeked out enticingly. "We never tried bondage when we were together."

"Ah." Stefan gave a quick nod and pressed his lips into a thin line. "I see where this is going." He held up the vervain dart. "Hard way then."

"What's wrong, Stefan?" Elena tilted her head, appraising him. "Don't you want me anymore?"

"How many times do we have to go over this?" Stefan shook his head. "You broke my-"

Elena cut him off. "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Have a lot time on my hands, you know?" Elena sat back down in her computer chair. "You stopped wanting me _before _we ended things. Things changed for you the minute I became a vampire." She spun her chair around, slowly.

"That's not true." Stefan let out a heavy sigh. "It didn't change my feelings for you. I still loved you."

"And you've never stopped." Elena braced the spinning chair so she faced him. "That's not what I'm talking about and you know it."

An uncertain expression flickered across his face so quickly Elena almost missed it.

"Why do you think we never had sex after I became a vampire? It wasn't because_I_ didn't want to." She challenged him with a resolute stare. "You just don't want vampire Elena the way you did human Elena."

Stefan turned to look down the long hallway.

Elena laughed humorlessly. "I get it. You've fought your own nature as a vampire for almost one hundred and fifty years."

"I've-" Stefan began.

"So, some _serious _intimacy issues are going to come up when your girlfriend becomes one, right?" Elena's eyes were alive for the first time since Stefan showed up at her cell door. It was clear Stefan hadn't come to terms with this aspect of their relationship and she was ready to exploit this, use it to throw him off guard. "You couldn't stand _yourself_ as a vampire; of course you wouldn't be able to stand _me_ as one."

Stefan shifted his weight but didn't say anything.

"And now that I'm humanity-free, I'm not just undesirable; you think I'm positively _broken_. And you and your hopeless brother are going to fix me so you can stand me again."

"That's not what I-," Stefan started.

"You think I need to be saved from my terrible self," Elena interrupted. "Well, I'm not going to let you." She stood. "I like myself _exactly the way I am_. And that's not going to change no matter how long you and Damon keep me locked in here."

Stefan's eyes met hers with a despondent vacancy. "Do you want your blood bags and laundry or not?"

"Okay, okay," Elena sighed. "Easy way. Under one condition." Her smile was sinister. "Let's have a drink first." Her eyes scanned his face, studying his reaction.

Elena strolled over to the mini-fridge and pulled out her last blood bag. "How long has it been, Stefan?" She surveyed him. "Fallen off the wagon lately?" Elena wondered if human blood would derail him completely. Like any addict, Stefan had his good days and his bad days. If he was on the edge and Elena played her cards right, there was a chance she could encourage a relapse, get The Ripper to come out and play. _And the Ripper won't give a damn about keeping me locked up. _

"Come on Stefan, you can handle one little drink." Her heels ticked against the concrete floor like a clock as she approached him. "We both know how much it hurts for a vampire to live like you do. It's just not…healthy." Elena's voice had become throaty.

Stefan's face didn't change but she watched his shoulders shift slightly. Elena took this as encouragement. She bit open the blood bag she was holding, making sure to keep her face human. She needed to ease him into this.

Elena took a sip, making a show of savoring the taste. "Not as good as it is when it's straight from the source, but still delicious." She licked her lips.

She sauntered closer to the cell door. Stefan's gaze fell to the drop of blood she'd made sure to leave on her bottom lip.

"Do you remember what it's like, Stefan?" Elena asked in a seductive purr. "To slide your fangs into soft, warm, human flesh and draw out the blood? When it pumps into your mouth and flows down your throat?"

Stefan's eyes hadn't left the drop of crimson on her lip so she continued, her voice almost a whisper. "Don't you miss the thrill of the chase? We could go right now. I want to see you hunt with _real_ prey...I bet you're magnificent." She pressed her body against the door. "I want to watch you toy with them. And if you rip them to bloody shreds like a beast? _I won't care_."

His nostrils flared and he went completely still. Elena knew he could smell how aroused she was even with his vampire senses dulled by an animal-only diet.

Elena found herself breathing hard. While speaking to Stefan, she'd also addressed one of the darkest parts of herself and unknowingly called it forth. This part had lingered for a while now, making its presence known even before she'd shut off her humanity. A dark shadow occasionally seen from the corner of her eye that disappeared when she turned to look, it eluded Elena's full awareness, skulking back to the corners of her unconscious before it could be recognized.

No longer content to lurk, this shadow aspect now stepped boldly forward. Although something instinctual warned Elena of danger, her curiosity won out. She tentatively reached out to this part of herself and this was the invitation it needed. It battled for dominance, pushing the rest of her aside. The darkness bled in without her full consent and with it came a rush of fierce power that made her feel invincible. For the first time since turning, Elena _felt_ without hurting. She waited for the pain and despair to overwhelm her. But it didn't.

It was in this moment that Elena finally acknowledged and fully embraced her most basic nature as a vampire: she was a killer. She was a ruthless predator that truly did want to hunt alongside The Ripper in all of his monstrous glory. "Stefan," she whispered; his name on her lips was a promise of fulfilled violent desires.

Stefan dragged his gaze up to meet hers. She searched his face, hoping to see a flash of fang and the blood surrounding his eyes. Instead, all she saw were the sad, green eyes of the boy she once loved. The energy between them shifted.

"Sorry," he murmured as his arm flashed through the cell window. Elena felt a painless prick, and then fire washed through her. Sad green eyes turned to a seductive blue. She found herself gazing at the fierce beauty of Damon's vampire face before the room blurred and she fell.

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**Alexander – "Truth"**


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: **As always, oodles of gratitude to the gifted JWAB for her Beta magic and amazing mentoring. I feel privileged to have such a talented writer willing to support me with my writing. **

**Chapter 3: Toads and Tears**

That afternoon the dream of the toads rang through the elms by Little River and affected the thoughts of men, though they were not conscious that they heard it.-Henry Thoreau

The dream of toads: we rarely credit what we consider lesser life with emotions big as ours, but we are easily distracted, abstracted…We are far too busy  
to be starkly simple in passion. We will never dream the intense wet spring lust of the toads.

Marge Piercy, "Toad Dreams"

Elena soaked in the warm sun, lulled by a gentle breeze and the water rocking the dock.

A stout brown toad in a red bow tie and black top hat stopped beside her. "Perfect weather, isn't it?" she asked.

He blinked his emerald eyes at her, croaking in agreement.

They sat in companionable silence, enjoying the day.

Elena heard the soft sounds of bare feet sneaking up behind her. Without turning around she warned, "Don't even think about it."

"How do you _alway_s hear me?" Jeremy complained.

"I've told you, Jer. Older sister radar." She grinned up at him. "The bane of little brothers everywhere."

Jeremy laughed as he sat down beside her. He dangled his feet in the water, then glanced at the toad. "What's going on with toadie over there?" he whispered. "Why so dressed up?"

"Shhh," she hissed. "Don't be rude."

"Just wondering what the occasion was," Jeremy mumbled, splashing his feet around.

The toad glared at Jeremy haughtily and hopped away.

"Sorry about that," Elena called after him. "He's a teenage boy; they have terrible manners."

A harsh "caw" from a nearby tree broke the quiet. Elena gazed at the raven as it cocked its head and arranged its glossy wings. The dark bird seemed oddly familiar.

"You gonna swim?" Jeremy asked Elena.

"I was just waiting for Jenna to get off the phone." She looked up at the lake house; Jenna's phone call seemed awfully long.

"She's arguing with Uncle John again."

"What's his problem?" Elena asked.

"Something to do with Jenna wanting to rent out Dad's office and some bullshit with the will. Not sure why he thinks it's any of his business." Jeremy sighed. "Not that you care," he muttered.

She looked at him sharply. "What does that mean?"

"Do you even miss them?"

"What kind of question is that?" Elena felt a jolt in her stomach at the mention of their parents. "Of course I do!"

"Then why don't you act like it?"

She struggled to find a response. "I don't know what you're talking—"

"Yeah, you do," Jeremy interrupted. "You put up a good front and pretend for everyone, including me. You've put on that fake smile and said you're fine so much that it just…seems like it's true. You're fine. You don't care." He slapped the surface of the lake with the soles of his feet. "It's like you're not _you_ anymore…like you're pretending to be someone else."

Taken aback, Elena sat in uneasy silence. The glare off the water was suddenly bright and the sun on her skin too hot. Jeremy's words left her feeling raw and exposed. Weighed down by being the sad little girl who lost her parents, Elena had wanted to start fresh, be someone new. At the time, it was the only way she could make it through. Jeremy's words forced her to discover she wasn't proud of how she'd been coping.

When she didn't reply, Jeremy turned to her. "It's not healthy, Elena." His voice was tight with anger. "And pretending doesn't honor the memory of Mom and Dad. And what about me? It's like I'm going through this alone, like we're not in this together. Did you ever think I might need my big sister? It's bad enough _they_ left; at least you could be here for me!"

Elena knew she should respond but words eluded her. She shook her head, fighting off the tears that threatened. "Jer, I…" She swallowed the ball of sharp pain in her throat and shut her eyes.

Jeremy watched Elena struggle to keep herself together. The silence expanded and hung heavy between them. "It's okay to be sad," he finally said. "Some things just need to be felt, you know?"

This was starting to remind Elena of another conversation, although she couldn't put a finger on it. A flutter began in the pit of her stomach.

Jeremy squinted across the lake as they continued to sit in silence. Elena knew he was still upset but didn't know what to say to make things right with him.

Clouds moved in and the wind turned cooler. A summer storm was on its way. _Weird, it was so sunnyjust a second ago. _

The raven made a deep, scratchy "croaaak," bobbing its head up and down insistently. The air smelled as if it were about to rain.

She put her arm around Jeremy but he stood up. She stood beside him. "I'm not sure how to fix this, Jer."

Gentle rain drops started to fall on the wooden dock, tapping like fingers on bongos. Colorful clumps of mud landed around them with wet smacks.

Elena looked more closely and realized there were toads falling from the sky along with the rain. Several larger toads wore top hats and bow ties; smaller, presumably female toads, wore shorts strings of pearls and tall powdered wigs. Dozens of them hopped past her toward the lakeshore. The rain didn't seem to bother them at all.

Elena watched one hop by wearing a veil. _It must be a wedding. Odd, I thought toads only mated in the spring. _

The raven emitted a shrill cry that sounded like a warning to Elena. She watched the bird take flight against the cloudy sky. As she looked up, she felt disoriented and dizzy. The wind picked up and the flutter in her stomach became seasickness. The rocking of the dock only made it worse.

Jeremy left without saying anything.

"Jer, where are you going?" Elena called but he didn't respond. "Jeremy!"

He turned. "What?"

Elena moved toward him. "It's not that easy, Jer!"

He threw up his hands. "But it is! You just have to be honest about your feelings!"

She stood motionless in the rain. Elena knew what she needed to say—_had_ to say—to her little brother. But being honest with herself was difficult enough; the thought of saying it to Jeremy was frightening. _I hate myself for killing my parents._

"Elena!" Jeremy demanded. "You can't keep pretending forever. Eventually you have to face what happened to Mom and Dad. You're gonna have to feel it, come to terms with it. Otherwise, you'll never heal!"

Something inside of Elena gave way. She'd pushed her emotions deep down after her parents' death, then covered them with a protective layer she'd frozen in place, preferring numbness to pain. Now this crystalized cover was shooting out in multiple directions, cracking under too much pressure and allowing a dark energy through.

"What do you know, Jeremy? It's not your fault they're dead, it's mine!" Elena spat the words out, meeting Jeremy's eyes with desperation and rage. "You don't know anything! You know don't if I'll ever stop hurting, if I'll ever heal. You have NO IDEA!"

They stared at one another through the rain, both shocked to silence by her outburst.

Suddenly, the raven flew between them, brushing Elena's cheek with the tip of its wing. The darkness instantly receded and Elena's desperation and rage were replaced by an aching sadness. Tears filled her eyes as she looked back at Jeremy. This time she didn't fight them. "I'm so scared, Jer." Sobs shook her body as she wrapped her arms around herself and gasped for air. "I'm terrified. I have so much guilt. I don't know if I can handle the pain if I let it in…and I'm afraid I'll never stop feeling it." Rain mingled with tears in streaks down her face.

Jeremy wrapped his arms around her in a tight, wet hug. When he released her, Elena gave him a watery smile and sniffed, wiping the rain and tears from her face.

Movement on the lake shore caught her eye; the toads assembled around the bride and groom. The bride held a white flower over her head like an umbrella ; it seemed the ceremony was about to begin.

When Elena turned back to Jeremy, she saw the raven was perched on his shoulder. The bird quorked low in its throat. It looked at Elena with bright black eyes while it fluffed its wet feathers and shook to resettle them.

Jeremy pushed the damp hair back from his face and smiled sweetly at her_. The way he used to smile at me when he was little. When I was still his perfect older sister who had everything figured out._

Elena felt muddled yet strangely calm, as if she'd forgotten something important and knew she should try to remember.

"Hey, it doesn't have to be this way," Jeremy told her softly. He cleared his throat and continued, "If you let the pain in, if you feel again, you can heal...I know you can. You're strong, Elena." He caught her eyes.

Jeremy's eyes shone with such conviction, such sincerity that Elena found herself believing him. Love for her little brother surged through her, quickly followed by a sense of fathomless loss.

"God, I miss you so much, Jer." Elena shook her head, taken aback by her strange confession. _Why do I miss him? He's right here._

Jeremy turned to look at the bird perched on his shoulder. Behind them, the sky had turned dark. The air smelled metallic and thunder rumbled off in the distance.

The raven flapped its wings, floating from Jeremy's shoulder to hover in front of her, waiting. She offered her arm and it landed gently. The raven tilted its head to one side in a familiar way. "I know you," Elena murmured in awe.

A lightning flash momentarily blinded her. She took a deep breath; she was seasick again.

Another bright flash was quickly followed by a loud thunderclap, deafeningly close. "This is a dream, isn't it?" she realized, turning to Jeremy .

Abruptly, black skies opened in an intense downpour, rain drops pelting Elena's bare skin. The raven had disappeared. She looked for Jeremy but couldn't see where he'd gone.

"Jeremy!" Elena yelled. She squinted, searching for him through horizontal sheets of rain, but all she could see was the rocking dock and the surrounding turbulent water. "Jeremy!" she called again, nauseous and dizzy with panic.

_None of this is real, it can't be. It's just a dream. _

Lightning flashed again nearby. It starkly lit her immediate surroundings and illuminated the edges of her consciousness. Then a deafening boom of thunder crashed and awareness reverberated through her body.

_Jeremy is dead, and my parents. Jenna and Ric are dead…and so many others. Their deaths are my fault. I'm a vampire.__I've hurt people, killed people, and done horrible, unforgivable things. _

With this awareness came devastating pain; a tidal wave of agony surged through her. Then Elena remembered she didn't have to feel anymore. In her mind she attempted to flip her humanity off, but nothing happened. It felt like groping in the dark for a light switch in an unfamiliar room. She continued to fumble blindly while the painful pressure of her emotions intensified._What the hell is going on?_

Elena bent over, shaking and sick. The grief was agony, an internal tempest, buffeting her like the surrounding storm. Panicking, Elena jumped into the cold, dangerously turbulent water of the lake, hoping to force herself awake.

**One Republic – "Dreaming Out Loud"**


End file.
